If you’re a parent of multiple children, you probably hoped they’d have a wonderful relationship as they aged. You may have pictured them holding hands, sharing clothes, and confiding in one another throughout their childhood.
But unfortunately, this is not often the reality for parents. If your kids always seem at odds with one another, sibling rivalry may be at play. And as a parent, you know how frustrating and helpless that conflict can feel.
At Liz Morrison Therapy, our skilled teen therapists work with middle schoolers and teens with tough sibling dynamics to help them better navigate family relationships. We work with parents, too, so everyone in the family can learn and grow together. As parents ourselves, we know that sibling rivalry can feel chaotic and draining – to you as a parent and your children. We also understand that addressing these issues early on through therapy for teens can prevent long-term damage to sibling relationships and overall family harmony.
The good news is that sibling personalities often clash within families, and doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing anything wrong as a parent. But there are ways to help your kids learn to get along better.
Here’s what you need to know about the underlying causes of conflict among brothers and sisters, and what to do about sibling rivalry.
What is Sibling Rivalry?
Sibling rivalry is the competition, arguing, jealousy, and other conflicts that occur among children within a family.
Sibling rivalry can include things like:
Physical fighting (slapping, pulling hair, kicking)
Verbal fighting (name-calling, yelling, arguing)
Vying for parental attention
Tattling on each other
Competing with one another
While fighting and tension among children can be really difficult to deal with, it’s also quite a normal part of childhood. Kids who are raised within a few years of each other are particularly prone to sibling rivalry.
6 Causes of Fighting Siblings
A number of factors can influence the causes of fighting siblings among your children. Biology, psychology, and learned relational patterns all play a role in kids’ relationships. Here are 6 of the most common reasons we see for bickering and competition between kids.
1. Differing personalities and sensitivities.
It’s only natural that each of your children will have different personalities, strengths, and ways of engaging in the world. Their personalities are likely to clash, especially when they spend so much time together. Plus, adolescence is often a time when kids become more distant from their families and closer to their friends.
2. Their brains are still developing.
Children don’t have the developmental maturity or reasoning to deal with their frustrations in the same way adults do. They may not even understand what they’re upset about. Instead, they often simply react to a difficult emotion by taking out their envy, anger, or resentment on each other.
3. Desire to stand out.
Kids and teens naturally want to stand out. As they develop into their pre-teen and teen years, they’ll also have a growing desire for individuality. They may attempt to separate themselves from each other by competing to be the best at everything.
4. Differences in abilities.
Differences in academic performance, sports, hobbies, or other skills can cause a rift among siblings. If one is naturally more gifted in a certain area than the other, this can breed jealousy and resentment. And if your reaction as a parent is to express pride for the one who’s more successful and a lack of attention toward the one who isn’t, your kids will notice and internalize that.
5. Stressful life events.
Stress impacts kids just as much as adults, but kids don’t always have the resources to manage their stresses in a healthy way. Life events like moving, pregnancy, divorce, or difficulty at school can create a lot of anxiety for children. And they may take this anxiety out on their siblings.
6. Mental health.
Individual and generational mental health issues like anxiety, depression, loneliness, and trauma all play a role in a teen’s relationships with their family and friends. If a child’s mental health is suffering, they may be more likely to act distant, closed off, angry, or argumentative.
What to Do About Sibling Rivalry
While the causes of sibling rivalry can vary greatly, there are ways you can help teach your kids to be more respectful and loving.
One way to ensure your kids have healthy relationships in general – including with their siblings – is to encourage healthy emotional expression. Teaching them to understand and verbalize how they feel, as well as how to communicate honestly and respectfully with one another, can help them learn empathy and boost self-esteem. Emotional skills like these go a long way in helping your kids communicate better and nip certain problems in the bud before they become bigger problems.
Another way to help dispel sibling rivalry is to take the time to talk to your pre-teens and teens on a regular basis. They probably have stresses and worries you don’t know about. Even if you’re just checking in with them, it can signal to them that you’re there for them and will listen when they need to talk to you.
Furthermore, use active listening when talking to your kids. Understanding what’s really going on with your kids can take patience and a little bit of digging. But kids want to be heard and understood, especially by the people closest to them. And if they’re struggling with mental health or some other problem, active listening will help you figure out what’s going on for them. Modeling active listening teaches them to be better listeners, too.
Another way to help your kids get along better is to make sure you praise each of them for their own strengths. Don’t compare them to one another, or ask them to be more like someone else. This fuels comparison and resentment among the whole family.
Finally, model the kind of communication you want your kids to use. If you’re always yelling at your spouse, your kids will take note. And if you yell at your kids, they’ll internalize that as well. They’ll learn that yelling is an appropriate way to communicate, and it’s how to solve conflict. Obviously, this won’t improve their sibling rivalry.
Therapy For Teens Can Help You Figure Out What to Do About Sibling Rivalry
Not sure how to deal with your unruly teens? Feel like you’ve tried everything and are still at a loss for how to get your family to get along? If you’re not sure where to go from here, we get it – and we’re here to help.
At Liz Morrison Therapy, we offer parent support therapy, therapy for kids, and therapy for teens to help families regain a healthy connection.
You’ll learn how to better support your kid. Your kid will learn how to better express themselves, communicate better, and gain skills to cope with tough emotions and life experiences – without taking it out on their brother or sister.
Feel free to get in touch with us for a free 15-minute phone consultation. We can answer any questions you have, see whether we’re a good fit, and start working toward a better future today.
Manage Your Child's Connection With The Help of Therapy for Teens in Manhattan, New York City, Brooklyn, and anywhere in New York
If sibling rivalry is causing stress and tension in your home, our team of experienced teen therapists is here to help with therapy for teens. Learn how we can support your teens at Liz Morrison Therapy in building stronger, healthier relationships with one another. Together, we can create a more peaceful and connected family environment. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
1. Contact us to schedule an appointment for Therapy for Teens
2. Begin meeting with a skilled teen therapist
3. Resolve the conflict in your home.
Additional Services Offered at Liz Morrison Therapy
Liz Morrison Therapy offers services for the whole family. In addition to supporting your family and the conflict caused by sibling rivalry in therapy for teens, our services also include Parenting Support for those looking to create healthy relationships with their children to help them live their best lives, Young Adult Therapy for individuals looking for support, guidance, and real-world strategies to help them deal with their struggles, and Anxiety Therapy for those wanting to cope with their anxiety in healthy ways. For more about us check out our Blogs and FAQs.
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